"Lock your back door, you idiot, however invincible you imagine yourself to be. You are wrong"

Jag hör nyckeln i ytterdörren. Hur låset vrids om. Under sekunden mellan att nyckeln tas ut och dörren öppnas hinner jag undra om det är någon som borde komma nu men känna instinktivt att detta inte är någon som borde vara här och vakna med ett ryck. Stirra ut i det nattsvarta som är mörkare än det egentligen är. Ingenting händer. Ingenting hörs. Inga knarranden över furuparketten. Inget frasande av kläder. Bättre att gå och se vem det är än att ligga kvar, skräckslagen i natten, resonerar jag och slänger täcket åt sidan, gör en ansats att ta mig ur sängen. Han sitter redan där, på sängen, håller fast mina händer och kopplar sitt strypgrepp. Så blir det absurt, men slutar inte att vara verklighet. Jag får in mitt finger i en av hans ögonhålor och tänker att jag ska vrida nacken av honom. Nacken vrids till näsan pekar bakåt och det hörs ett knakande. Jag släpper. Han vrider tillbaka huvudet, det går inte vrida nacken av honom.

Jag vaknar med ett ryck. Rummet är inte lika svart men mörkt nog. Jag stirrar på mobildisplayen. 23.51. Fan. Jag somnade tidigt och är så illa tvungen att somna om. Jag vet innerst inne att jag drömde om dörren och mannen, men går upp för säkerhets skull. Tänder varenda lampa, kollar varje gömställe. Toaletten bakom duschdraperiet, garderoben, städskåpet, bakom kylen, under sängen. Kollar så att dörren är låst.

Det var år sen jag drömde mardrömmar sist. När klockan sen ringer 05.30 och jag blundande tagit mig ut i duschen kommer jag att tänka på Ani DiFrancos "Parameters".

"thirty-three years go by
and not once do you come home
to find a man sitting in your bedroom.
that is
a man you don't know
who came a long way to deliver one very specific message:
lock your back door, you idiot
however invincible you imagine yourself to be
you are wrong

thirty-three years go by
and you loosen the momentum of teenage nightmares
your breasts hang like a woman's
and you don't jump at shadows anymore
instead you may simply pause to admire
those that move with the grace of trees
dancing past streetlights
and you walk through your house without turning on lamps
sure of the angle from door to table
from table to staircase
sure of the number of steps
seven to the landing two to turn right
then seven more
sure you will stroll serenely on the moving walkway of memory
across your bedroom
and collapse with a sigh onto your bed
shoes falling
thunk thunk
onto the floor
and there will be no strange man
suddenly all that time sitting there
sitting there on what must be the prize chair
in your collection of uncomfortable chairs
with a wild look in his eyes
and hands that you cannot see
holding what?
you do not know

so sure are you of the endless drumming rhythm of your isolation
that you are painfully slow to adjust
if only because
yours is not that genre of story
still and again, life cannot muster the stuff of movies
no bullets shattering glass
instead fear sits patiently
fear almost smiles when you finally see him
though you have kept him waiting for thirty-three years
and now he has let himself in
and he has brought you fistfuls of teenage nightmares
though you think you see, in your naivete
that he is empty handed
and this brings you great relief
at the time

new as you are, really, to the idea that
even after you've long since gotten used to the parameters
they can all change
while you're out one night having a drink with a friend
some big hand may be turning a big dial
switching channels on your dreams
until you find yourself lost in them
and watching your daily life with the sound off
and of course having cautiously turned down the flame under your eyes
there are more shadows around everything
your vision a dim flashlight that you have to shake all the way to the outhouse
your solitude elevating itself like the spirit of the dead
presiding over your supposed repose
not really sleep at all
just a sleeping position and a series of suspicious sounds
a clanking pipe
a creaking branch
the footfalls of a cat
all of this and maybe
the swish of the soft leather of your intruder's coat
as you walk him step by step back to the door
having talked him down off the ledge of a very bad idea
soft leather, big feet, almond eyes
the kinds of details the police officer would ask for later
with his clipboard
and his pistol
in your hallway"